You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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