Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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