I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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