Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Boobs speak an international language.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
