I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
