I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
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Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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