if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
