Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize