If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
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I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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