fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
