I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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