Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
