whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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