Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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