I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
