remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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