I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
