im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
