I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
