i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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