it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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