i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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