I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
