come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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