a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
