apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
