Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
