I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
it glows. i had to have it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
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