dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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