Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
