I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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