When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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