so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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