so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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