I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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