They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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