At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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