Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
