Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
