apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
