So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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