I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I need to sanitize my soul.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
