Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Everclear isn't food dammit
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
