FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
