I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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