I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
