Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
