all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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