K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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