Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
