oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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