made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
