Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
