you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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